When Good People Have Affairs

"It is far too easy to criticise this book on a basis as a means of condoning an affair. Mira states over-and-over that she does not recommend having one and that if the unfaithful partner is considering breaking up their marriage over an affair, that they must do some hardcore thinking and analysing over what it is they really need and want out of life and a relationship before ever taking action. Endless statistics point to the fact that at least 50% (if not 75%) of the population have cheated or been cheated on. They happen and they will continue to happen. Now what? Her focus is not to reprimand the cheater for having gotten into the situation. It's too late for that and would serve no purpose at this stage. Nor it is only about what to do to congeal your marriage back together after an affair. There are thousands of books about that and she acknowledges that some marriages should just not continue. Her goal is to help these people figure out how the heck they got there in the first place and what to do now that they are in it and that means staying or leaving.

She explains the harrowing mess that 'good people' (those who are not serial cheaters and downright selfish jerks) find themselves in unplanned affairs - a situation that is far more common than one realises. She highlights the fact that these people are good because they care, they feel guilty , they are torn and yet they 'are just trying to do the best for everyone'. Furthermore, she is very careful to balance stories of those who have stayed in their marriages, those who have left their marriages to be with their lover and those who decided to be with neither. I completely disagree with the previous reviewer about treating the cheated on spouse with 'absolute contempt'. This reviewer most likely has been a cheated spouse herself and has issues of her own. Mira (who has also been cheated on) describes the 'other' spouse through the eyes of the unfaithful spouse which range from 'okay but just not exciting anymore' to 'abusive'. I think this covers all partners who are in marriages in turmoil as good people just don't cheat on spouses who are desperately supportive, unbelievably loving, tremendously sexy and with whom they are passionately in love.

I think it could be a very helpful guide for someone who finds himself or herself in this type of painstaking and confusing situation as it outlines which type(s) of affair the person is in, how to chose whether to stay, to go with the lover or branch out on your own alone. It is non-judgmental and practical, which is enormously encouraging as this is such a difficult situation to deal with. I just wish it came out a little sooner as it could have helped those I know and love.

This book is written for the unfaithful and who are lost (its most obvious audience), for those who are the 'other person' to see what kind of affair your partner is experiencing and to get a better feeling of whether it might lead to them being with you and for those openminded spouses who are being cheated on yet want to understand their situation and their spouse's mindset better. If you are a closed minded spouse who has been cheated on, are still very angry and therefore only want endless demonising of the cheater and support for you, well there are at least 5,000 other books to choose from.

For those seriously considering this book, reviews on Amazon.com are much more balanced."
~ Written on 2008-10-11

"Bear in mind that the subject matter is divisive: you will have those who have either been betrayed or who are anti-infidelity that will criticize this ad infinitum; you will then who have those who are either pro-infidelity or those who will accuse the other side of being "too judgmental".

Kirshenbaum says that she does not support infidelity, but she certainly condones it by suggesting that it is acceptable to run off with your affair partner. She gives so many examples that it sounds like the rule rather than the exception, when in fact it is the other way round. Check out Shirley Glass and Frank Pittman and see what they have to say about the viability of such relationships(according to statistics, these relationships do not have a high success rate).

Ultimately, Kirshenbaum is defending the adulterer. Make no mistake - she treats the betrayed spouse with absolute contempt; very rarely does she highlight the good attributes of the betrayed spouse - in one case, she uses the term "jerk" and implies that most in her examples are incapable of changing to suit the adulterer's needs. Well, they cannot change if they do not know what the problem is.

She advocates a "Do not tell policy" - she disregards the fact that the relationship is built on deception and lies and does not allow for the betrayed spouse to make the decision to stay or leave. She is, in effect, helping the betrayer deprive the betrayed of precious time to find true love.

But also on a practical level, she shows breathtaking naivete - she seems to think that the betrayer might know when they will be discovered; most do not expect to be discovered, but the truth catches up with them eventually, especially with the advances in technology. Confession is better than discovery.

DO NOT READ THIS BOOK if you are a betrayed spouse. There are no crumbs of comfort to take from this - it is completely unilateral and biased in favour of the betrayer and even gives them tips on how to run you over legally, should they decide to leave the relationship.

"
~ Written on 2008-10-05