Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

"This is a truly brilliant book. Whether you're in a relationship with a controlling person yourself, or have been, or know someone who is (chances are you do but may not realise it), this book is for you. I bought it for my sister when she left her husband for the final time and it's become her bible, not to mention mine and my parents'.

It unpicks the myths and excuses behind abusive behaviour and makes it clear that this type of person does not 'lose control' (far from it) or have 'anger management problems'; they CHOOSE to treat their partners badly, and it brings a lot of benefits for them. Certainly my sister worked herself to a frazzle in an unrelenting effort to meet expectations, only to be told "The only problem we have is that you don't try hard enough". The point is that the goal is a shifting one that is never meant to be achieved.

One of the things that confused my sister was that her husband didn't actually hit her, so she didn't acknowledge it as abuse (although he was physically intimidating: bearing down on her while shouting, breaking furniture etc). The book helped her to realise that emotional abuse is every bit as damaging and unacceptable as physical abuse.

'Why does he do that?' removes the confusion and helps you see abusive people for what they are. Importantly, it helps you realise that you are not crazy, or stupid, or worthless, or whatever else you may have been encouraged to believe. It is written in a very accessible style and is well structured; you can dip into specific sections rather than read from cover to cover if necessary. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

NB: The book that Lundy Bancroft recommends as a resource for friends and families of abused women, 'To be an anchor in the storm' by Susan Brewster, has been reprinted under the new title of 'Helping her get free: a guide for families and friends of abused women' (also available on Amazon)."
~ Written on 2008-07-04

"In common with some of the other reviewers I really wish I had read this book many years ago. I only came to read it now because of finding myself in a situation with a guy which was making me feel really crazy. Although abusive men vary in degree it is fascinating to see that there is a common pattern which can be described so lucidly, and which my, apparently charming and sensitive, partner fitted exactly: it enabled me to stand back and not get manipulated for once, seeing all the tactics that my partner used, from talking over the top of me, to blame, projection, using psycho-babble to make me feel like the one in the wrong, bullying, crying, the lot. It has broken the spell and set me free! should be required reading for all women."
~ Written on 2008-06-06

"I have purchased many self help books this past 12 months looking at the relationship problems between myself and my ex partner. Having read the other books and finding validation, support and advice in all of them, I then picked up the last book purchased! This one. I consider the other books to be the ingredients for the recipe and this one to be the cake, icing and cherry all in one. It is a truly inspirational book that will never be off my bookshelf apart from when it is in the hands of another woman! Thank you Lundy Bancroft for your expertise and for the gift you have given to women like me all over the world. I was brought up in a domestic violent household, married a verbally and physically abusive man, had 2 further relationships with men who disrespected women and then thought I had won the lottery when I entered a relationship with a therapist 4 yrs ago. How wrong I was!! The subtleties of his abuse were there from day one and through this book I gathered the evidence and recall all those abusive moments, that I didn't know was abuse. Quote, "the slow, repetitive rape of my mind, heart and soul". I am saddened beyond words that such a "nice" man could dupe me with his behaviour and all the time feeling like I was literally going mad. The legacy of abuse, gaslighting, Narcissism and commitment phobia make me determined to embrace the remainder of this wonderful life that belongs to ME. I am proud of my bravery to leave him and encourage all women to read this book and seek therapy. My therapy of the last 5 yrs has been a priceless gift to myself. I now walk on from leaving "footprints in the gravel" to leaving my gentle unburdened "footprints in the sand" with my two beautiful children. A truly fabulous, fabulous book encompassing the many ripples in the pond left by the throwing of the pebble that is ABUSE. Thank you again Lundy Bancroft. "
~ Written on 2008-05-26

"If you even think you may be in an abusive relationship, you MUST get this book. I had no idea that "emotional abuse" was even a legit term, but when I read the book it was like the author had been an observer in my marriage. After I read it, my partner was exposed. I wasn't crazy after all. I'm not kidding, the author hit the nitty-gritty tactics I was subjected to on a day to day basis for most of my life. If you are a religious woman, this will give you some REAL help. I encourage any woman in this situation to read the book, and then seek out counseling in your area. Be free!"
~ Written on 2008-03-17

"I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:

My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......

I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...

I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).

He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.

The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.

He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!

He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.

There would be periods of utter conflict and then suddenly he would be the most wonderful man in the world.

He would tell me to "shut the fu*k up" just for asking him if he wanted to turn the TV over.

The countless breakups and reunions with this man broke my heart to pieces. I never thought I would have the courage to leave. Every time i tried to leave he got back under my skin, promising to change, but never really admitting he was wrong.

He often confused me in arguments. Saying I had said things that I hadnt said etc.

I ended up thinking I was going crazy and that he wasnt really that bad. The above is just a brief, undetailed summary of the full catalogue of horrible events that happened to me whilst i was with him.

When this book arrived I hid it from him and started to read it. Many things jumped out at me and i began to see him, not so much of a boyfriend, but as an ABUSER. Keep that word in mind.

I kept referring to the book to give me the strength I needed and thankfully I got away.

For a few days after leaving him I put notes up around my home to remind me of all of the bad things he was to me "possessive" etc and i put a note on my bathroom mirror saying "i want my life back".

To any one in an abusive relationship, please be careful. Buy this book if you can. Try to leave and if at first you dont succeed, keep trying and read the section on Traumatic Bonding.

You will get there in the end.

There is a life of peace waiting for you.



"
~ Written on 2008-02-06