He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

"I bought this book in 2003, at the end of a bad relationship (as you do!) along with others. It sat on my bookshelf unread whilst I was reading the others. That relationship was with a man that had just come out of an 18 yr marriage (emotionally unavailable) and absolutely was not looking for a commitment and I knew this from the outset but I let him talk me into believing that he was. Well, it all ended in tears.

Then I made a connection on-line (distance) with someone who from the first email that he wrote, I picked up on some issues. I never thought that it would go anywhere as he was in Italy and I was in England.... so I continued corresponding and got caught up in his fantasy (and mine too!). His issues showed themselves clearly to me but I again, let him talk me into dismissing them. His bizarre behaviour (even on-line) was because of the frustrations of us being apart, it would be different when we were together!

When we finally met, his issues came out in less than 24 hrs after flying over to see me. All the words, sentences and contradictory bizarre actions the book said that commitmentphobics display, I saw and recognised. I had the good sense to end it right there. It was painful though because you realise that your dream (fantasy!) with this person you thought that you had made a connection with is never going to be.

I didn't associate my relationship with him to be anything like the one above, at the time.

I went to my bookshelf and read the book and couldn't believe how it described my relationship (interaction?) with this man, word for word. Action for action.

Months later, I met someone and he reminded me of the last man. I told him jokingly within 10 minutes of speaking to him that he reminded me in character of someone I didn't like to remember (the Italian). Even though he was inappropriate (character, age and culture) and I spotted it within minutes of speaking to him, AGAIN, I let him convince me otherwise. It all ended in tears a year later. From pleading with me to marry like he would die without me one week to creating chaos to ending it, never to speak to me again. It was painful. But this had been the hallmark of this relationship the moment we got even slightly close. His behaviour got more bizarre and completely showed total conflict in every word and action. Push/pull, heaven or hell.

I've just read the book again and it highlighted to me not only the issues of the guys that I had been picking but my own issues.

I was picking totally inappropriate men where it appeared like I was gullible to their words and protestations but in fact I realise now that to be with men like that meant that I was AFRAID of being with someone worthy of me. I didn't feel worthy within myself. In each case, from the OUTSET, I was intelligent/intuitive enough to spot their issues very clearly but despite that I allowed myself to be persuaded otherwise, even though I knew deep down these relationships were wrong. Therefore, it pointed out that I had issues.

I was actually running away from commitment myself by being with these people. This book made me realise that I was the 'passive' commitmentphobic. This book and 2 others by a guy called Chuck Spezzano: 'Happiness is the Best Revenge' and '50 ways to get along with absolutely anybody' (the titles belie how ABSOLUTELY fantastic these books are!)took me to another level of enlightenment which was more about myself than my last boyfriend and what he did.

It was truly a lightbulb moment.

I was concentrating on what these guys had done to me. Whereas, these books made me realise my own FEARS and issues and what I was doing to my SELF.

"
~ Written on 2008-05-06

"If only I'd read this book before my relationship ended with the person I thought was 'the one', maybe then I would have been stronger to have finished it myself. It turns out that he wasn't 'the one' because he is not only afraid to commit he's also afraid to really fall in love just like me. I can only say that most of the confusing questions that you are left with at the end of a relationship you will find the answers in this book and within yourself!

When I feel stronger and feel that I've moved on, I will send him this book. Not because I want to help him understand his behaviour, on the contrary, I want him to realise what he's lost!

Big changes are ahead..."
~ Written on 2007-09-30

"Having read just about every self-help book written about relationships, I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
I feel as if Stepen Carter has handed me the universal secret.
This book is excellent for anybody who has a poor track record in relationships. I read it with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was there on every page, as was every 'short-term' partner I have had over the last 10 years.
Most of the knowledge in this book is stuff you proabably already knew, but nobody ever actually told you. But Stephen Carter writes so succinctly, from his own disfunctional experiences.
If you have felt for some time that there was something wrong, but have the type of kind, caring, friends in committed relationships who tell you that you just havent met the 'right one' then read on. This book will not tell you how to change or give you the answers, but it will describe you on every page (scarey stuff!)
To find the true answers on how to change yourself, then you will need to read Getting To Committment, also by Stephen Carter.
Remember, we cannot change others, only ourselves. But by making these simple changes, (which will not always be easy!), you will attract the right sort of person into your life.
This book should be compulsory reading for anyone who has struggled to understand a difficult partner, but be aware, you may not get the answers you were looking for!
Totally eye-opening and highly recommended

"
~ Written on 2007-08-28

"This book has provided me with an excellent insight into a recent frustrating and painful relationship. Every thought i have had about it has been covered in this book, to the point that i could have believed it had been specifically written about us. It also helped me learn so much about myself and the reasons why I have found myself with a history of failed and painful relationships, switching between being the active or passive avoider depending on the partner in question. Now i move forward in the hope that i will recognise these situations and types of people before i allow myself to get involved."
~ Written on 2007-07-30

"I found this book fantastic - it refers to 2 main type of person in a relationship - the chaser (passive avoider) and the runner (active avoider).

However the chaser who normally plays the "victim" role actually ends up seeking these types of relationships, as they have commitment issues too, and in order to date someone who is unavailable, you accept their ridiculous conditions in reality because you don't really want a full-on relationship either! Interestingly an individual with commitment issues is not necessarily an active avoider or a passive avoider per se, but may change roles either in different relationships, or even in the same one over time. Hence there can often be a push/pull dynamic.

The eye-opener here is understanding that you are not alone and that an experience which you think no-one else can relate to is actually a lot more widespread than you at first may think, was a real find for me, personally.

I found this book superb, easily the best thing written on the subject that I have ever come across, it will give you understanding (for active readers) and peace of mind and some degree of closure (for passive readers).

"
~ Written on 2007-07-13