How to Win Friends and Influence People

"This audio book is quite simply a life changer. The messages, examples and stories are interesting and powerful and mostly common sense. It has opened my eyes to my poor social manners and boosted my confidence when in those situations. I now 'try to' listen rather than just talk and find myself holding back rather than interrupting a conversation when I have a thought. Situations I would shy away from I now heartily embrace and am loving it - I have never been so sociable!
It is already helping me in my family and business life as well. I cannot recommend this book highly enough and only wish I had listened to it years ago. It is quite simply improving me as a person with the result that I am happier and am earning more friends - how can you put a price on that?
NOTE: The book will help you see things in a new light. For example - I now even notice that my review is all about me and what I have gained from the book rather than what you will gain. Clearly, I still have quite some way to go - but what a fascinating journey it will be!"
~ Written on 2008-01-24

"This is a book to be read and practiced. This book makes you more human - in such a way you will find yourself gaining friends and keeping company with wonderful people. Treat this book like a treasured gift and share it with those you care for. It is a book that should be passed on to future generations.

I was really surprised at how much this book matters and how much I learned by reading it. It is a book that keeps on giving; and yes some of the advice may be obvious, but it brings the correct way in which to interact with others into the forefront of the mind, and that is why it is so valuable. It is an enjoyable read and should be a mandatory primer for all students as well as adults.

Another simple book that really surprised me is 'Understanding: Train of Thought'.
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~ Written on 2007-12-01

"This was my first purchase of any form of CD training. Travelling many miles with my job its just great to listen to the CD's (8 in total) in the car and this allows me time to reflect and digest the key messages. The book/CD is told in stories and examples which really helps the author explain his points clearly. The reader has a very 'musical' voice, and whilst no singing, you never tire of the tone of his voice. I read some comments about the book which questioned honesty and being straight with others. I certainly did not come away with that thought, it has made me try even harder to find good in others rather than easily finding fault. This book will never date and it seems a shame that many of the principles discussed and set are ignored by so many of us in our business and day to day lives. "
~ Written on 2006-07-12

"The book can be read over and over, and is a useful help in life in general. Useful for all managers and supervisors."
~ Written on 2006-01-23

"In business, those who are the most "emotionally" intelligent always rise to the top. Why is that?

As a management consultant, I am always asking our clients and potential clients what their major issues are. It almost always boils down to persuading someone else to change. In many situations, the person describes the situation as getting worse rather than better.

As I ask more questions, I soon learn that the person I am talking to is totally thinking about the issue from her or his perspective, not the perspective of the person they want to influence. Carnegie describes a situation where he and his son couldn't get a calf into the barn. They pushed and pulled, and nothing worked. A maid came out, stuck her finger into the calf's mouth to simulate feeding and the calf followed her right into the barn.

As you can tell from that example, Carnegie is a student of the stimulus-response school of human behavior. The book is divided into four sections: Handling People; Getting People to Like You; Getting People to Agree with You; and Being a Leader. Each section is comprised of a few principles, which are each exemplified in a short chapter with a number of examples. Handling people has to do with avoiding the negative and unpleasant, appreciating the other person, and making the other person eager to accomplish some goal of their own.

Each section follows the same format. Basically, it's the same way that you train any living being. You provide positive feedback to the person which makes them feel better, the person responds positively to you making you feel better, you then help the other person to link what you want to share with them with something they want.

Many people will be offended by this idea. I have long studied that reaction and find that it relates to one of two basic assumptions: (1) the decision to act should be based on the objective merits (if I deal with emotions, I am being manipulative) or (2) I want you to acknowledge that I am right, that you are wrong, and that I am superior to you because I am right. Both of those perspectives get in the way of establishing warm human relationships. If you would rather do things without emotion, your life will be very dull. If you would always like to be right, you will be very lonely (even if you really are right).

Let's look at a more fundamental question. Can these techniques be used for questionable purpoes? Probably, is my answer. However, at some point, the person's manipulative game will be found out. See Robert Cialdini's book, Influence, on what happens to smugglers of influence over time.

The best results will come from those who have integrity and are principled. They and everyone else can see that they are pursuing something with another person that is in the best interests of that person, and that there are no hidden agendas. Here is where I think Carnegie is a little weak. You get the impression from the book that hidden agendas are okay. My experience is that all agendas should be totally upfront. Don't pretend you are trying to help someone, when all you are trying to do is sell them something they don't need. Do encourage them to get the information they need to make a good decision for themselves about your idea, product, or service. Leave the whole circumstance with a stronger, more trustworthy relationship than you started with. That's how I interpret the Dale Carnegie principles.

If you really would like to get better results in your human relationships, this book is essential reading. To skip this book would be like skipping reading and arithmetic in grade school. It contains essential tools that everyone needs to understand. Since these things are seldom taught in schools, this is a good place to start.

Modern gurus of human relationships and effectiveness like Stephen Covey and Tony Robbins have a substantial debt to Dale Carnegie. If you read all of them, you will tend to reinforce your new habits. I like the Covey and Robbins approaches as a complement to Carnegie, because both authors focus on having principles at the center of what you do. That will help reduce the risk of turning Carnegie into techniques that lead to suboptimal results, instead of a mutually reinforcing virtuous cycle for everyone.

Researchers consistently show that success in many fields (such as business, politics, and teaching) is very closely related to one's social skills. Many people will work very hard to be more successful, but skimp on the relationship aspects. That's a mistake. Work on the relationships first.

I also recommend Daniel Goleman's "Working with Emotional Intelligence" to understand these concepts and the new book, "NLP Masterclass," to help you extend these lessons with specific skills.

Enjoy having easier interactions with others, having more friends, being more influential on important subjects, being more open to being influenced by others, and leading where it needs doing!

After you finish reading this book, think about where you are trying to pull a calf where you want the calf to go."
~ Written on 2004-05-13