Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child (Setting Limits)

"This book helped in understanding how the differences in sibling temperament can aggravate power struggles and affect discipline within the family. The strong willed one has settled a bit at home but continues to be challenging at school. Overall one of the best no-nonsense books I've read on this subject."
~ Written on 2008-05-01

"As a kindergarten teacher as well as a parent of strong-willed 5-year-old twin boys, I too often found myself yelling louder, reminding more often and searching for stricter punishments to get the children to cooperate...Nothing was working! I needed a new approach...and Dr. MacKenzie has given me the understanding and the tools to set limits effectively without losing my sanity. I learned how I was part of "the dance" of non-compliance and I realized that I would have to change my behavior first before I got a positive change in the behavior from the children. I learned the difference between "soft limits" and "firm limits" and the importance of my actions supporting my words; then, the kids began respecting the rules because they knew I would follow through with consequences. It was an eye-opener to realize that by me constantly reminding...I was actually teaching the children to ignore (at least the first few times because they knew more reminding was coming)...by giving unclear open-ended directions...I was actually setting the situation up for clarification, testing and conflict...and by bargaining and making deals out of desperation...I was actually giving the kids the opportunity to control the situation as they decided to up the ante the next time! The best part of this book is the real life examples of exactly what to say and not say to the kids. It is as if the author has been looking in my windows as my twins defy me in so many of the exact same situations. I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not alone in trying to get compliance instead of defiance from my boys.

I also would like to recommend another very helpful A-Z compendium entitled "The Pocket Parent", a convenient pocket-guide with a very similar philosophy that is exclusively written for parents of normal but often challenging 2- to 5-year-olds. If you have toddlers and preschoolers, it is a great practical companion book to "Setting Limits" because you can simply turn to the specific challenging behavior of the moment (like hitting, morning crazies, interrupting, bad words, lying, whining, etc.) and get some quick bulleted suggestions to try. You do not have to read "Pocket Parent" cover to cover...but rather consult each chapter topic as you need it. Both books have great anecdotes and a welcome sense of humor throughout. "Setting Limits" and "The Pocket Parent" have helped me get more cooperation at home and at school and are both worthwhile additions to a home or school reference library!"
~ Written on 2004-11-24

"This is very definitely NOT a book about genuinely strong-willed kids.

Some examples: p 237 Nori throws a tantrum in the mall. Her Mum says to the clerk, "Excuse me, may I leave my cart here? I'll return in a few mintues and pay for the items." The clerk nods. Mum takes her daughter out to the car. Nothing is said. In the car Nori's told she has five minutes to calm down. When the five minutes are up, they return to the store.

My kid would have thrown herself on the floor howling. She would have refused to go to the car and would have kicked me. If I'd tried to drag her along I'd have had to push the shopping cart with one hand, drag her with the other, all the while receiving looks from other adults that told me what a bad parent I was. If, by some miracle, I got to the car, she would still be screaming half an hour later. If I tried to return to the store she would have refused to get out. If I said, all right, we'll go home, she'd have thrown a tantrum insisting she wanted to go back to the store. Etc.

Another example: p239 Cameron makes bathroom noises at the table. His Mum asks him to leave and spend five mintues by himself in the den. Then he comes back.

My child would have been scared of being out of sight. If I'd put her meal on another table nearby she would have physically refused to go there. If I'd ignored her her behaviour would have got worse. If I'd taken her dinner away she would have thrown a tantrum, and then another tantrum if the dinner was returned. I would have physically have had to remove her from the table, sat next to her on the settee, and given her a cuddle. She would have pushed me away. I would have stayed nearby, maybe touching her, to show that no, it's my rules you're playing by, I'm not going away. Then I would have tried to feed her so that the attention was less on her initial bad behaviour and we were now in an almost normal situation and I might even have said to her brother come on, sit here too to normalise it, and then fed her mouthful by mouthful, the train going into the tunnel and all that, maybe doing the same with her brother, making a game. She wouldn't have let me. I would have to give her lots of attention and fuss. I'd have made her laugh. Then she'd let me. Then I'd say, 'What was all that about? Next time, you do as you're told. Do you understand?' Then I'd have had a tickling match, which is a great way to show that you're cross, because whilst your child is laughing you're actually getting pretty close to hurting her (FREE TIP - tickling or fun wrestling matches are a great way to wrong-foot a child, as is praising her for being good even when she's not being good, a real wind up that puts you back in control). Then I'd have taken her back to the table and said, right, let's try this again - even if just for a few seconds if need be, she gets praised for being good even if she's not because now again you're showing that you're in control, it's your rules you play by and that you're always ahead of her in the mind-games. Then I'd have said, fine, you can go now. She'd have been disgruntled, not knowing what had happened, but knowing that somehow she'd 'lost.' Then I'd have had to turn my attention to her brother, fussed over him a little - 'Would you like a drink? You can choose what's on T.V, you've been very good.' I could write a better, more sophisticated book than this guy.

There are loads of examples like this, all with tame children doing exactly what they're told. Only if you're a newbie parent is there much to get you thinking. For example, that your support systems as a parent need to support and not undermine you, or that older children have more history to overcome than younger children, or that you need to praise your children every time you catch them doing something good, or that you practice situations where the child doesn't cope (Kaley was bullied at school p 223 and they rehearsed what to say to the bullies, though what this has to do with strong-willed kids beats me).

There was a short section p202 - p205 on 'physical control: a last resort.' For the genuinely strong-willed child, physical confrontation happens all the time and it should have been described in FAR greater depth here. In the one example in the book Jill is carried to her bedroom screaming and then is made to stay there with her Mum holding the door shut. In reality, my child would have been terrified of being in a room with the door closed on her. Physical control happens all the time with the genuinely strong-willed child - physically getting the child into a bath, or restraining the child that's thrashing around when she doesn't want to do something, or running after her and catching her when she makes a bolt for the door, or chasing her in the street when she refuses to come in and bringing her back struggling and screaming without looking like a monster parent from hell - ah, man, this author only deals with tame children. He hasn't lived with a genuinely strong-willed child.

The author is a psychologist - it shows. Endless diagrams of patterns of behaviour which went over my head, and a condescending tone of 'how easy it is, this is what you do.' The only time the book came alive was on p242 - p244 when he talked about his own personal experiences with his children."
~ Written on 2004-07-18

"This book is absolutely excellent. It has numerous examples on how to diffuse situations and cope with your child. It helps you to recognise how your interactions don't help the situations and how to change your usual behaviour to get a different outcome. It covers all the most difficult situations, in the supermarket, in the car at other peoples houses or in restaurants.

If you're at your wits end how to cope - the BUY THIS BOOK!!"
~ Written on 2003-07-28

"I guess that this book was written in an earnest attempt to help parents. However, my main concern about this book is that it disempowers parents as it continually points out what they are doing wrong. I maybe slighlty biased as I prefer when working with parents to identify what is going well. I also believe that "experts" who give advice on parenting often give advice that doesnt resonate with peoples lives or experiences.
If you are looking for a couple of good reads on parenting then, "try and make me" and "the incredible years" are much more holistic approaches to parenting."
~ Written on 2003-03-07