The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life

"Rather than focusing on the psychology of the abuser themselves, this book looks at what you can do (as the person on the receiving end of abuse)to help change the situation. There are 7 basic 'truths' which form the core of this book, as follows:
1. You, and only you, create your feelings.
2. Your view of a person, situation, or event determines your reality of it.
3. People, situations and events do not upset you. It is your interpretation of them and what you tell yourself about them that cause you to become upset.
4. Thinking produces feelings, which generate behavior.
5. Your view of yourself, others, and everything that happens to you is filtered through the screen of your beliefs.
6. You keep painful feelings alive with your upsetting thoughts by repeating them to yourself over and over again.
7. You can change your feelings and behaviour by changing the underlying beliefs and thinking that create them.

So, a lot of the book is taken up with examples of the kind of negative self-talk that goes on in the head of an abused person, and examples of how you could replace that with healthy self-talk. My problem with this is that the examples seem rather too contrived and the suggestions of positive self-talk too prescriptive. I can see what they're getting at, and there is value in this book, particularly if you haven't come across these ideas before, but I think it could be said better, and if you are in a particularly abusive situation, espcially if physical violence is involved I think this could actually play into the abuser's hands. For example, one situation that is given is where Jim is abusing Susan. He goes off to work. She stays upset all day. She is supposed to realise that her thoughts are creating her emotions because she is thinking that Jim MUST stop abusing her. The authors say "she recognised that her demanding MUST, not her husband, was responsible for her unhealthy negative emotions". This could easily be interpreted in a way that lets the abuser off the hook, which isn't helpful. I suggest that if you are in an abusive relationship you first read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" which, by giving a brilliant expose of the thought patterns of abusive men is far more likely to help you realise that you are not the problem, and to empower you to change the situation."
~ Written on 2008-07-15

"This book was given to me when I was splitting up with my husband. I was constantly being blamed for things going wrong and thought I was going mad. I felt like my world had been turned upside down and didn't know why. This book helped me identify what had been happening and parts of it made me feel very emotional as I started to grasp the realisation of what had been going on. It helps you move onwards and deal with the issues and stops you questioning your own sanity!"
~ Written on 2008-01-24

"This is the first book that I've read on this subject, and it was a true eye-opener. Everything suddenly started making sense, and I can now explain what has been happening and tormenting me so much in the past 2 years. I have tried some of the technics already, and it works! I feel very hopefull that there is no going back to the suffering that I endured. This book helped me to feel stronger, and at the same time helped to understand why I allowed this to happen to me. I will be reading it more than once. I highly recommend this book, though I can not compare it with anything else yet. I am just beginning the journey to a happier life, and this book certainly got to me at the right time."
~ Written on 2006-06-22

"every page i read of this book was like it was written just for me.it thrilled me with pain and joy that i wasnt going mad.im trying to put all suggestions into practice and begin my life again.but not as a frightend rabbit,believe me this book will help you realize that your prince charming is only ruling your life and your heart.but you can chage and make adiidernce i am"
~ Written on 2004-11-20