The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

"An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]
"
~ Written on 2008-09-02

"I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes."
~ Written on 2008-06-29

"An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry."
~ Written on 2007-12-13

"Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.
"
~ Written on 2007-08-10

"There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

Evans concentrates on verbal (and, thus, psychological) abuse. She offers a detailed classification of such abusive conduct and a cornucopia of coping methods. Her book is an indispensable primer to victims of abuse, scholars, judges, policemen, guardians ad litem, psychological evaluators and family members of abusers. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"."
~ Written on 2003-12-03