Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

"This book is has given me many useful insights into the whys and hows of emotionally abusive behaviour. The other reviewers here have effectively listed it's many plus points.

However, the title says "How to Recognize, Understand and *Deal* with People Who Try to Control You

I had hoped for more concrete methods described in the dealing with controllers aspect. The book's concluding chapters seemed to me to consist of many quotes from people congratulating either themselves or Evans on having 'broken the spell'. I found it hard to distil firm techniques that would help me practice spellbreaking. The abuse I witness is very subtle and hard to pin down and confront in the workplace and the methods mentioned seem to me best suited for "In your face" abuse.

Finally so many books and websites on abuse and bullying are overtly gender biased and Patricia Evan's book is no exception. I think a better balanced insight could have been gained from illustrating the patterns of control and abuse with more examples of people abused by female partners or colleagues. When the "typical" gender dynamic is reversed it really does highlight the power and recurring pattern of controlling abusive behaviour.

The path to becoming an abuser is not a "Man thing". It can flow from mother to daughter from wife to husband, even employee to boss! Being a target of abuse is not the female prerogative.
Myself, my father, my partner and her father, have all been the objects of "control connections" from spellbound women and those women in turn were the victims of maternal abuse and neglect.

I feel the book's bias is disingenous because I would have thought it more empowering to recognise and emphasise that abusive behaviour is not gender specific but that it is simply it's own self-perpetuating legacy. More examples of female to male or same gender incidents could've illustrated her points as well as, if not better than the limited spectrum of "typical" abusive relationships she presents.

Also many men, my father included, remain in denial (spellbound) about their situation. This is a good book but it's predominately female perspective still allows him to say "This doesn't apply to me" or worse "It *is* my fault - I'm the abuser!"


Despite these misgivings I will still be recommending "Controlling people" to friends and relatives who have found themselves in the thrall of "spellbound" behaviour.

"
~ Written on 2006-08-26

"This book really opened up my eyes to a recent 9 year relationship that just ended. I thought I was going mad at the end - nothing I did seemed to be right and I lived in fear of him leaving! As one reviewer quite rightly said regarding the metaphors that the author uses are initially confusing and you need to read it a couple of times for it to make sense! But once it does sink in a cloud lifts in front of your eyes and you can see that the relationship wasn't about you "not being good enough!" I've thoroughly defaced the book with my own comments and highlighted sections that were relevant to me!"
~ Written on 2005-07-28

"Although I am normally sceptical about self-help books, I bought this hoping to understand a bit more about bullying from the perspective of the bully and the bullied. I found it tremendously helpful. Having experienced bullying and the trauma that goes with it, I wanted to understand why it happened (why me? why her?), in the hope that I will deal with it better next time round. I found the descriptions of the bully's behaviour and the reasons for that behaviour full of insights. I have met a lot of people who think they can tell you what you like and how you feel. Controlling People maintains that this belief is a delusion, and goes on to explain why, and how people can come to hold this belief. It helps the bullied recognise this behaviour and resist it, and the bully begin to break the spell cast by their mistaken belief.

It does ask for some perseverence. If you don't get to grips with the terms used (Teddy? Witness? Spellbreaker? Pretend Person?) it is confusing, and it takes a couple of concentrated reads to fully understand. But it's worth the trouble - definitely the best book I've read about bullying."
~ Written on 2004-03-20

"A life changing book that helped me to understand what makes certain people try to control and why others allow themselves to become controlled.

Read it if you feel like you need to understand why this happens and what you can do about it.

It changed my perspective on a lot of things"
~ Written on 2004-03-01

"Either you get it, or you don't ! I've heard this a million times, and I always thought is was a silly thing to say - as that goes with out saying.......
But it just doesn't. This book has turned my life upside down - because, now... I get it ! Before I just thought I got it, but I had no idea about "what" I should be getting. Controlling People, explains a theory about how and why people relate to each other. This insight is of cause "just" a theory, but none the less - to me it makes perfect sense and I know that I will carry this theory with me from this day forward. This is a book equally for people who like to contemplate about the "why's" in life, and for those who need help finding their own personal boundaries.
The book is fairly easy read, and has some practical guidelines at the end, for those who might need that. Read it - I hope you "get" it ;-)"
~ Written on 2003-12-09