Next Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tykes and Teens (Parenting the Child Who Hurts)

"As a child and adolescent mental health worker I recommend this book regularly where there have been attachment difficulties in the past.

I strongly disagree with the previous reviewer. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by 'psycho-babble' but when it comes to children who have been neglected or abused you need to know what you are dealing with before you can deal with it.

The theory is dealt with in less than 40 pages, and in a mostly accessible way. Some of it does lose me a bit, but if I stick with it it makes sense. Not bad for such as mammoth topic as Attachment.

The next 30 pages deal with the underlying principles of how to parent a child who has a difficult attachment history. This section is a little haphazard in that it gives lots of 'bite sized' advice rather than a lengthy text.

The next 20 pages give two scenerios and systematically link the underlying principles to actual behaviours.

The remainder of the book, nearly 100 pages gives detailed advice for specific situation, each clearly indexed. These include bedwetting, aggression, lying, stealing and self-harm behaviour.

The book finishes with a glossary of terms to help explain the 'psycho-babble.'

So work it out for yourself, 40 pages of theory to help you make sense of 150 pages of practical suggestions.

It may have some weaknesses but if you approach this book with a willingness to really make sense of where a child who has been abused or neglected is coming from before you react, then it really is a useful resource."
~ Written on 2007-05-15

"If you were training to be a psychiatrist perhaps this book would be of interest.
However, this is not the book for you if, like me ,you are an adoptive parent looking for some practical suggestions for dealing with difficult behavioural problems and the anger and sense of loss suffered by our daughter. To me this book seemed full of the psycho-babble so beloved by our Social Worker.
It's very heavy on theory but in my opinion is lacking in the practical advice Department.
Incidentally, if the book did contain lots of practical suggestions I doubt that you would be able to find them, as it is without exception, the worst professionally laid out and typeset book I have ever purchased. Poor design, choice of small fonts, haphazardly set out, mean that very little stands out, so reading this book is very hard work."
~ Written on 2005-06-12

"This book is aimed at adoptive and long-term foster parents of children who 'hurt' - perhaps as a result of previous experiences of inconsistent parenting, abuse, neglect, or the loss of their biological parents. It is a sequel to First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers, by the same author. Knowledge of the earlier book is helpful, although not essential, when reading this second work, which deals with issues faced by some older children.

In Next Steps, Archer describes some useful parenting skills. These include the importance of clear communication and honesty; facing up to problems rather than denying them; different ways of offering positive feedback; the use of humour and of engaging in fun activities with the young person; the necessity of parents 'taking control' in certain circumstances, but only taking on the battles which they feel they can and must win; and the wisdom of seeking outside help at times. She describes steps which may help both the child and the parent to acknowledge feelings (including anger) and deal with them appropriately. Archer is sensitive to the needs of the parents as well as those of the children. She stresses the importance of parents looking after themselves and finding their own support, and not blaming themselves for their child's problems. Parents are reminded not to neglect other children in the family.

After some general introductory chapters, Archer describes specific difficulties. She presents two scenarios involving aggressive young people, and lists a variety of possible responses to each scenario, outlining the positive and negative features of each response.

The final chapter is entitled 'sensitive situations'. Here, advice is offered for coping with a number of problem areas, including incontinence, sleeping problems, anger, lying and stealing.

Under the heading, 'additive behaviours and self-harm', brief consideration is given to issues such as early eating problems, drug and alcohol use, 'sexual acting out', self-injury and suicidality. Basic advice is offered.

Archer writes as an experienced adoptive parent, and as a member of the charity 'Adoption UK'. She encourages parents to seek help through voluntary organisations. Parents might be put off seeking professional help because Archer refers a number of times to long waiting lists and under-resourcing of child and adolescent services. Archer's approach is one which may empower parents, but it may unfortunately deter some parents from seeking professional help even when the situation is very serious. In my view, Archer is overly pessimistic about the difficulties in accessing professional help, and also about the benefits of conventional therapies.

Following Archer's recommendations from when a child is young might help to build self-esteem and good relationships, and improve communication and problem-solving skills, thus possibly prevent some difficulties from occurring. This book also provides good advice for dealing with any difficulties which are encountered. I would certainly recommend this book to parents who are having difficulties with a child they have adopted - even if only to help them realise that they are not alone in encountering such difficulties, and they are not to blame for them. The book makes reference to British systems and organisations, but is not too British-based to be of use in other countries."
~ Written on 2001-06-02