Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

"This is the best book on Co-dependence I have ever read. And I have read a few. And Pia Melody does it without any put downs. Co-Dependence is not something you can choose or not choose to do. It is a result of things that have been done to you. And you cannot begin to conquer it until you fully understand what happened to you. This Pia Melody does with such insight and understanding solely because she lived it. If you or someone you know is dealing with co-dependency (and most of us are) do them a favor and tell them to get this book!"
~ Written on 2008-08-17

"Mellody and her coauthors, to the enduring benefit of the practice of psychology, do their part to rescue the technique of digging through the past from its Freudian fixation on Oedipus.

Using a working definition of childhood "abuse" as any behavior by caregivers that is "less than nurturing," she relentlessly and in gruesome detail disects the roots of dysfunctional adulthood dependencies.

I agree with the reviewer who complained that the term "codependence" has become too much of a catch-all. Having a prefix indicating "two," that word is better reserved for particular kinds of dysfunctional relationships.

That said, this book succeeds brilliantly at its task. Which is to allow individual readers to face up to exactly where the unhealthy dependencies in our lives come from. Which in adulthood result, not just in codependent (instead of "interdependent") relationships, but in a myriad of perplexing issues that sabotage our lives.

A classic from the pioneer who originated the concept of "boundaries" in psychology. Get ready to embrace your demons.
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~ Written on 2008-07-14

"I have read a dozen books on the subject. For me, this was the first semi-clinical book which explored how codependency is not only behavior inherited but can also be passed on down to the next generation, even coming from a parent with the best intentions completely unaware of the problem. The author has a deep awareness of the problem's subtleties and this is certainly one of the pioneer books that should be in every library concerning codependency. "
~ Written on 2008-05-18

"In what may be one of the best books ever on functional parenting, Mellody and the Millers have tackled the single most common psychiatric phenomenon of our time, deconstructed it into language most can grasp, and set forth a means of re-parenting those who didn't get the real deal the first time around.

For mental health professionals, this may also be one of the best books available for patient (with sufficient ego strength) and/or family education on Kernberg / Preston Level One and Two Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as for family education with regard to pretty much the entire spectrum of borderline, narcissistic, passive-aggressive and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders.

I have read at least a dozen lay and professional books addressing the topic of "codependence." While Melody Beattie's and Patricia Evan's work, and the -Codependents Anonymous- and new -Adult Children of Alcoholics- "big books" -are- terrific stuff, this looks like the most accessible, research-grounded, well-organized and tool-delivering of the lot. (Anyone seriously set upon recovering from boundary difficulties with others is well-advised to just read them all, of course.)

Owing to the input of the Millers, -Facing Codependence- is more a product of modern "patient education" or "psychoeducation" theory (see Rankin's and Stallings's -Patient Education- or any of the books in the "Compact Clinicals" series) than the other books currently available. This is not the hodgepodge of useful data developed by committee in the two afforementioned 12 Step groups, and is more functionally set forth in the fashion of Lev Vygotsky's "scaffolding" than Beattie's more famous or Evans's more narrowly targeted books.

Beyond that, the progressive, level-upon-level organization of the book and concrete examples of both functional and dysfunctional parenting make it hands-down one of the finest guides to raising effective, pathology-free children ever published. If it were up to me, this would be required reading at the college freshman level.
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~ Written on 2007-10-04

"When a few month ago a person who I felt and thought was most important to me came into my life and my husband disagreed, I was thrown into a huge personal crisis. Little did I know much less understand that the heart of the problem lay in my co-dependence. I was very lucky because through friends of mine I found a therapist who knew about and taught me about co-dependence. Suddenly all of the contradictions - which seemed to indicate to me that I must be crazy - started to make sense. To supplement and deepen my understanding my therapist suggested reading Pia Mellody's `Facing Co-dependence'.

Pia Mellody herself is a recovering co-dependent and that she knows from personal experience what she's talking about is very evident in her book. In part I she starts by describing co-dependence and explaining very concisely where it comes from. What she calls the 5 core symptoms are: expressing appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, owning and expressing your own reality, taking care of your adult needs and wants and experiencing and expressing your reality moderately.
In part II she explains what she thinks are the five natural characteristics of children and how functional homes deal with them. While functional parents will help their children to develop these characteristics properly dysfunctional ones will not. I don't have children but still I found it very interesting and helpful to read Pia's description of how a child will be treated in a functional home. It's a very helpful part of the book no matter whether you use that information to compare your own childhood experiences to what it should have been or could have been or whether you use it as your guideline to treat your own children functionally or for both.
Dysfunctional parenting forces the child to defend itself against painful or threatening experiences by developing dysfunctional behavior patterns that are often continued into adulthood because (a) they worked so well when they were needed and (b) these children were never taught to behave functionally.
In Part III Pia describes many forms of abuse and explains how they relate to her understanding of co-dependence. It's amazing how many of our acceptable parenting techniques are detrimental to our children rather than pedagogically valuable.
When reading this part of the book I again felt very strongly that even if you are not a co-dependent it cannot hurt you or those around you for you to become aware of the information in Pia's book. You may save a life or two!!!
Part IV is about recovery. And the key to recovery is to acknowledge the parts in ourselves that never grew up and to assume the role of a functional parent and do what our parents were unable to do: show ourselves the fallacies in our thinking/feeling and offer alternatives. We have to be our own parents.

Pia says that even after working as a therapist for as long as she has, she still isn't 100% healthy 100% of the time but she measures success by how long it takes her to recognize dysfunctional behavior/thoughts in her life and the amount of time it takes her to deal with them in a functional way. I've found this honest assessment encouraging and also discouraging at the same time. It's encouraging because it let's you easily and quickly see progress but it's also discouraging because the fantasy of every being completely free of this disease is squished. *sighs* Oh, well... I matter! I am enough! I don't have to be perfect. Not even perfectly functional. (lol)

So, who should read this book? Everybody! That's my answer to that question."
~ Written on 2007-07-30