Facing Shame: Families in Recovery

"I first read this book about 10 years ago. It was perhaps the single most useful book in helping me understand why I was the way I was, and understanding just how psychologically sick my family of origin really was. (As you may know, most of us tend to think that whatever we experienced in our family was "normal".) Of course, that didn't instantly heal me, but it did go a long way toward explaining certain unhealthy traits I had difficulty letting go of. It made me realize that my feelings of being unlovable and worthless were actually not true, but passed down to me because of my parents' treatment of me.

This book describes dysfunctional family systems and their effect, including: (in my own words) Control, Perfection, Blame, Denial, Unpredictability, Lack of Resolution of Conflict, Don't Talk About Family Secrets, and Pretending Nothing's Wrong.

"Facing Shame" gave me hope that I could eventually move past these unhealthy behaviors I learned in my family of origin. I highly recommend this book to anyone who had a childhood of abuse or neglect, or felt unloved or unwanted. Thankfully, I have come a long way in the past 10 years, and am doing a lot better. This book gives a name to the monster, and helps you know what you're dealing with and why."
~ Written on 2008-08-03

"Shame, a close sibling of self-hatred, is probably one of the most powerful and common creators/organizers of human personality, culture and social dynamics. Fossom and Mason's work provides a truly incisive look at how it is constructed and maintained within different family and work environments, and suggests some therapeutic responses/solutions. Particularly brilliant: their analysis of how different types of families are completely organized around shame and shaming, based on actual cases that they dealt with as therapists.

The only caveat is that this book seems to have been written for other mental health professionals, rather than for a mass or popular readership. So it is a bit dry and technical at times, with a fair bit of professional terminology. The upside of that however, is that we are spared of the hokey, New Agey, self-help cheesiness that more commercially-oriented books usually suffer from...there is no simplistic 12 step, you-can-do-it-too, rah-rah BS, no wild claims to the effect of "how to transform your life by doing A-B-C five minutes every day for six weeks."

It's a fair trade, I think. If you are not a therapist or counselor, just be prepared to skim through the overy technical parts, and underline or highlight the more accessible parts---about 60-70% by my guesstimation. "
~ Written on 2008-03-17

"This book takes a wider perspective than most despite approaching therapy from a single emotion--shame. I suppose all therapy aims at "fixing" behavioral problems such as fighting authority figures well into adulthood, or playing the same out-of-balance role (caretaker, domineer, etc.) in multiple relationships. The previous reviewer was right: this book goes well beyond the consequences of alcoholism in families.

Among the steps suggested for therapists are initial 3 hour consultations, coaching with the aim of pointing out inconsistencies in swapping shame for guilt (guilt being the more malleable problem), and similar sorts of training in boundary-setting. Hopefully someone will provide a complete description of the book's sections in another review.

I'm 48 and an insatiable reader of psychology. Don't hold my M.A. in English against me. Find this in your library. I believe this is a truly great book for both therapists and their clients. I hope that one day these ideas come to have a greater impact than the behavioralist and short-term cognitive approaches now in favor by therapists."
~ Written on 2005-02-14

"This book is an enlightening first step in understanding a spouse who is driven by perfectionism, anger and control. Reading the book makes you realize it's not their fault -- or yours either. (This does not make their behavior less destructive, but it's easier when you stop blaming them for it.) The person from this type of family does not have the self-awareness to recognize their own destructive impulses, much less develop the skills they need to have healthy relationships. It's like they are pre-programmed to destroy relationships with family and business partners. After reading this book, you realize that you, alone, cannot help your spouse, and if you keep trying to do it alone, you will only become more frustrated and heartbroken. It is a good guideline to begin therapy with a good family counselor, which I believe is the only way to break the cycle."
~ Written on 2002-03-29

"Shame has a myriad of origins, this book gives an excellentunderstanding of shame and its effect upon our lives. It helps us todifferentiate the important difference between guilt and shame. Shame deeply effects our self esteem as well as how we view others and eventually our success in life. John Bradshaw, who is also an excellent writer, in his book regarding shame mostly limits his approach to those from alcoholic families. In this book, not only is this area covered but many other areas along with the developmental dynamics of shame and shame-based behaviors. Not coming from an alcoholic family I did not understand my own deep feelings of shame until I read this book. I highly recommend it for any persons who wish to understand themselves better on their road to becoming a more complete, self-accepting and healthy person."
~ Written on 1999-10-08