When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

"I swear this book was made for me. I have been dealing with a husband who is an only child, who is not only spoiled but married to his parents. His mother is very manipulative and controlling and my husband has been dealing with her for so long, he knows no other way to be. This book is great for learning tools to deal with your anger and frustration, without blowing up. I still can't let myself be close to my mother-in-law but I am learning to control my anger that was eating me up inside. I often told my husband that he was married to his mom and not me, and I was right!"
~ Written on 2008-04-03

"This is a good book with a somewhat corny, if not downright misleading, title. It's not about stepdads or men whose wives take on a mothering role. It's actually a serious study of adult men struggling to live fulfilling, productive lives after a childhood smothered by an inappropriately self-centered mother. A mother-enmeshed man, or MEM, the term used by intimacy specialist Dr. Kenneth Adams, is unable to form healthy relationships, pursue his true desires and live an independent life. Many MEMs suffer sexual problems and substance addictions. The good news, however, is that, through awareness and therapy, MEMs can learn how to set boundaries, enact positive behaviors and understand their real selves. Adams places his case studies in part one and, although they are engrossing and relatable, an upfront exploration of the mother-enmeshed man syndrome might have been more helpful before the case histories. If you are involved with a mother-enmeshed man or sense that you might be one, we recommend that you study this book, especially the many practical descriptions and suggestions in boxes and lists."
~ Written on 2007-10-01

"Despite the title and a couple of chapters that bring up images of a Mommy Dearest actively destroying a son's (and daughter-in-law's) life, Kenneth Adams' When He's Married to Mom is really more of a continuation of his argument that parental influence matters an awful lot in adult behavior. While several of his case studies make fascinating and disturbing reading, he takes a large leap of faith in presuming his chosen therapy focus is the grand unified solution to a whole bunch of personality disorder problems and doesn't do a particularly good job in proving causality. Normally that'd be worth taking it down to 3 stars, but I'll round it up to 4 stars given he at least cites other literature in the field and the core argument about parental relationships remains worth a read.

Adams is far from the first therapist to point out the importance of the bonds between mothers and sons - think Freud to start, and a lot of people contributing along the way. Adams' specific focus is on "Mother-Enmeshed Men", MEM for short, to which he draws several little square and circle diagrams illustrating the fouled up relationships that caused and result from both. It's fairly interesting stuff, even though at times the book feels like it should have the theme music from the old Police song "Mother" playing along - "every girl I go out with becomes my mother in the end!" Some of the personalities defined in the case studies went through some very nasty upbringings, and its worth a read if for nothing else just for showing how not to behave as a parent. (Probably the best anecdote he relates about this is how after a presentation on MEMs to a large group of fellow therapists, one got up to the microphone, admitted she had done some really dumb things as a mom, and was going to therapy herself.)

Adams, though, badly overreaches in ascribing a MEM relationship as the sole cause of many disorders. A 20 question self-survey to find out if the man you love is a MEM has questions that could (and probably should) fall into any number of disorders straight out of DSM-IV, and while his use of citations of other work does provide validation for some theories (a man who stays stuck in a dead end job probably has low self esteem) claiming it as a grand unified theory is a bit much. His solution may work for some people - although the ideal time for a patient in therapy (his only solution) is five years with a rare lucky one finishing up in two, so if MEMs do exist and you're dating one, you may not really like the effort he demands - and it's an interesting step in his field, but there's an awful, awful lot here that feels like it's a stretch.

Still, it's a very interesting read for the do-not-do list on parenting even if those who've split up with an ex who had major mommy issues may not get as much out of it as they'd hoped for from the title; there are probably better books for them elsewhere, and besides, the whole point of postmortem relationship examination is to figure yourself out, not the ex. 4 stars."
~ Written on 2007-08-29

"An excellent read. Some books just have exactly the thing you are looking for! This is the only book you will need if you are trying to understand your man who seems to place more importance to Mom and her emotions than yours and his!

I sympathesize with these men because they never had a chance at individuation! That's why they are the way they are!

I hope these men would have the courage to analyze the info given in this book and seek help before it's too late.

It's challenging for the women with these men to bring up the subject at all! I would like to hear and learn from other women if and how they were sucessful in helping their men throuh their issues."
~ Written on 2007-08-20

"I read the book in the library as well. What an eye opener. I just ended a relationship with a man a few months ago who was a surrogate husband to his mom. The book also mentions that a lot of these momma's boys still keep exes around. My ex did. He had a harem of exes around him and it bothered me. That wasn't the reason I broke up with him, but part of it.

The books gives some good tips on dealing with momma's boy. However I'm not willing to wait another 5 years while he's in therapy to help him on his healing journal. I'm not into rehab projects. I'll hold out for a more mentally healthy normal male.

If any woman is involved with a momma's boy, this book will validate all the feelings she's felt by being 2nd or even last in the relationship."
~ Written on 2007-07-14