Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage

"As a communication and relationship educator, I am familiar with the importance of having effective communication skills in our relationships. Susan Page has opened the door to a whole new perspective of how to make changes in your relationships when communication skills are not effective and often make the problems worse. Susan reminds us of the importance of our own actions and taking responsibility for our own behaviors and how simple experiments can be life changing for us. I highly recommend this book to my clients and to my colleagues in the mental health field.
Connie Muller-Thym, LCSW-C
Resolution Services, Inc.
Mediation, Counseling, Coaching and Training"
~ Written on 2008-07-21

"I like the way the book is laid out and written. It's easy to follow and the exercises are easy to practice on your own. I read half of it in one sitting without even trying to.
I came across this book while looking for books on divorce in the library. I wish I would have found this before my spouse left me. We both are guilty of "stage 2" and not balancing our lives. I've tried a few of these on my own before but the results didn't stick. I wasn't aware of the depth to the concepts.
This should be a gift to every newlywed couple.
"
~ Written on 2008-06-16

"Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page is one of those books that flies against the conventional advice that's often given when it comes to marriage counseling. But after you get over the "but that can't be right" feeling, there's a lot to be said for her approach.

Content:
Part 1 - What Is Spiritual Partnership?: Introducing Spiritual Partnership; Loving Action 1 - Adopt a Spirit of Good Will; LA 2 - Give Up Problem Solving; LA 3 - Act as If; LA 4 - Practice Restraint; LA 5 - Balance Giving and Taking; LA 6 - Act on Your Own; LA 7 - Practice Acceptance; LA 8 - Practice Compassion
Part 2 - Putting Spiritual Partnership to Work in Your Relationship: Exactly How to Use the Eight Loving Actions; Frequently Asked Questions; Communication Within Spiritual Partnership; Making Mature Judgments
Part 3 - Spiritual Partnership in a Broader Context: Defining the "Spiritual" in Spiritual Partnership; The Future of Spiritual Partnership
References and Further Reading; About the Author

Most self-help books related to marriage dwell on communication... the give and take of negotiation. Page contends that the approach is more adversarial in nature, and basically tries to change something you have no control over: the other person. Instead, she suggests that taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions is much more effective in the long run, as you *can* control yourself. The actions are centered around what's referred to as a "spiritual practice", or the act of looking at your day-to-day interactions as an exercise of your spiritual nature. If you are focusing on making yourself into the best person you can be, then changes in the other person will also flow. These actions, also called experiments, are designed to help you learn what works and what doesn't in your relationship. If you try something and it doesn't work, that's good as you've learned something you didn't know before. It's a different approach to what you normally think of as marriage or relationship counseling, but I can see where it would have benefits over the standard "talk it out" approach.

Where I tend to have issues is with the focus on "if it's authentic for you, it's right" ethic. In this book, she feels that learning you're not right for your mate and splitting is as good an outcome as becoming closer. If you feel that there *are* moral and ethical absolutes, then some of the underlying foundations of what's in here won't resonate with you. Still, looking at the actions and the mindset of "change yourself before trying to change others" has some real value. I've personally always felt that trying to elicit change in others to suit your own self is chancy at best, and futile in most cases...

Definitely worth a read and consideration if the "I gave up something, now why won't they do the same" path isn't working for you...
"
~ Written on 2007-07-10

"I've been a marriage counselor and educator for 25 years; after reading this book I'll never "do" relationship counseling the same again. Susan Page offers us an entirely new paradigm for relationship counseling. Her 'spiritual partnership' concept and approach is revolutionary. Some might blithly think Page naive, but they need to look more deeply into the profound implicaitons of her ideas. Let's face it, marriage counseling has been a dismal failure; as Page points out so well, we, as marriage counselors have worshiped at the dual alters of 1) problem resolution, and 2) communication skills. This is the central issue of my frustration with marriage counseling, I sometimes feel that I'm just teaching couples to talk more clearly about their problems ... the problems only come into clearer focus for them. This isn't solving problems, it's exacerbating them! It simply hasn't worked. Page's new and refreshing approach turns the entire enterprise of counseling around so we all can step back, see the situation more objectively, and take action, not just talk. Anyone who spends any time in their counseling practice with couples needs to read this book, and to recommend this book to their clients."
~ Written on 2006-11-29

"I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Having worked with many couples over the past 35 years I feel I can echo the testimonials Susan has received from some very prominent and thoughtful people--this is a really good book, one I would recommend--and I don't recommend books often or casually. What impressed me the most was that if people actually follow these suggestions, I know their relationship will really improve. How often can that be said? I have recognized over the years, as clearly Susan have also, that much of what doesn't work in relationships has to do with ignorance rather than ill intent. If a person has been raised in an unloving family, then that person simply does not know what actual loving actions are. This book provides that information in such a clear and digestible way; it really provides an important and useful service. "
~ Written on 2006-11-13