My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide

"Written by a mother and counselor, Iris Bolton is also a survivor and triumphant veteran of the most unimaginable grief there could be. Her son died of suicide. She used what she learned in her own grief to help others, especially in the case of the child of a suicide death. The book is an eloquent and well-rounded combination both of the sharing of a broken and questioning heart and the helpful information and resources for others trying to find any light of hope in the tunnel-vision of grief. Packed full of straight-forward honesty and truths, here are a few jewels from the author's troves of wisdom on the subject.

An experienced grief counselor tells Ms. Bolton after her son's death, "There is a gift for you in your son's death. You may not believe it at this bitter moment, but it is authentic and it can be yours if you are willing to search for it. To other eyes it may remain hidden. The gift is real and precious and you can find it if you choose."

Reference to the insensitivity of others at a time of a mourner's greatest sensitivity: "To my amazement, I jerked my arms free. `I'm not ready yet!' Such assertiveness was foreign to my nature but now it was the product of a growing awareness that many others were assuming that they knew what was best for me." And this: "Many loving people who want to help will be giving you advice about what to do. Some will say snap out of it; some will urge you to take it easy; some will say it's God's will. At a time like this, everybody becomes an instant expert. But you do what you want to do. You do what feels right for you. Even if nobody else approves and you still decide for it, you do it."

Regarding the usage of pills and the detrimental effects of numbing the pain that must ultimately be gone through to get through to the other side: "Normal grief is not an emotional illness. It is a process that must be experienced. Sorrow must be accepted and allowed to mature and then, hopefully, be laid aside."

A sample of instructions for ultimate healing: "Cry wherever you are. It is natural and healing. Grief is not something you can bottle up and screw on the cap. That way guarantees future pain and disaster. Instead, throw the cap away, and one day your bottle of pain will be emptied and you may know peace. You will never be the same, you will be different, but you can know joy again."

For those whose beloved died in any way, this book is an excellent help.
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~ Written on 2008-02-17

"For all of us who lost a loved one to suicide, we automatically feel guilty for not seeing it coming, or being able to stop it.
Here is a book who's author is a thearpist and her son is in a treatment plan and he succeeds, in his suicide..
Her book helps you see all aspects of suicide, and if possible see how with all our efforts, we couldn't stop it..
It's excellent and my support group all found it extremely helpful.."
~ Written on 2007-03-19

"My brother died by suicide 6 years ago and even though years have passed, this book has given me some freedom in areas I struggled with. Truly a cloud has been lifted from my life as I began to apply her message to my own broken heart. This book is difficult to read because of the emotions it stirs but well worth the journey for on the other side, there is healing."
~ Written on 2007-03-08

"If you only buy or read one book about suicide, this is the book to get. An easy read, one you will read over and over and tell everyone else to read. It is sensible, caring and she puts it all in a way that is comforting and insightful."
~ Written on 2006-08-31

"After the 1977 suicide of her 20 year old musician son, Iris Bolton says, "to climb from that emotional abyss would force me to fight the hardest battle of my life." On top of that, she was faced with the stigma of a "failed parent", and, she felt like a "discredited counselor" as the director of a family therapy center. Suicide transmits a public ridicule and private humiliation, grief, guilt and anger.

Bolton eloquently shares her experience with brilliant usage of metaphors to describe the tortured process from grief to survival.

Again, this is HER story and we don't get to much information about the healing process of her other 3 sons and her husband.

But the premise of this story and guide revolves around "a gift" promised by a friend and psychiatrist who said, that there is a gift for her in her son's death, hard to accept now, but it is there if she is willing to search for it if she chooses.

What develops from her painful experience is the "gift"- the ability to truly help and guide others in similar situations. Her gift comes to play when she courageously assists a family whose 18-year old daughter commits suicide. Please read the talk she gave at the funeral in 1980. Another piece she offers is a compassionate message titled "Though We Meet as Strangers, By Our Love We Shall be Known"

Included is a memorable and inspirational poem she wrote about her son, the consequences of suicide and regaining spirit. From there, she has prominently established herself to give hope to others that they, too, can survive and recover.

Aside from Suicide Resources, what is especially important is a guide called "Beyond Survival" that simply lists steps to take. Only one who has healed and survived a tragedy can express this in words. And, crucial information is included called the "Do's and Don'ts." Not having gone through this experience, anyone and everyone giving comfort to those in need should examine this list! In our lifetime, we will encounter some form of comforting. This is an excellent book! Read it.....MzRizz"
~ Written on 2002-06-28