Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner

"This intelligent and well written book makes a complex subject readily understandable. My own experience of people suffering from this personality disorder led me to believe that I was the one at fault, rather than being the 'victim'. When this book describes common traits and patterns, a lot of missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle begin to slot into place. In that sense it provides a vital diagnostic tool to help you understand your own situation. it is also a source of relief. When you begin to understand the nature of the abuse heaped upon you by a self-absorbed person, you can begin to set and enforce boundaries that protect you. The most important aspect of this book is that narcism is not an absolute condition where all narcissistic people exhibit the same degree of self-absorbedness, but a sliding scale. In this sense, the book helps you to understand when a person is truly toxic or whether there is hope. Very firm boundaries rather than absolute rejection can bring such people to get the therapy they need.If there is one thing missing it is a deeper discussion of how people get this way in the first place. Some people view narcism as complete selfishness. It is, but often it results when people through various traumas retreat into their own world. But a good book which i recommend written by an author who knows her stuff. "
~ Written on 2008-07-17

"What does that mean? Why the convoluted language? Why not call it by its proper name, namely Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? Having read many excellent books on NPD (Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez Lewi, Ph.D., When your Perfect Partner goes Perfectly Wrong by Mary Jo Fay, Emotional Vampires by Albert Bernstein, Ph.D., and of course the bible on Narcissism, Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin), this book is a huge disappointment and in my opinion, totally useless. Its main focus is on the partner of the narcissist and how to change one's behavior; why should or would we? It's a lot of hard work and in the end, completely futile. An example of the author's distorted thinking, writing about Criticism and Blame by the narcissist and how to deal with it: "Appear to agree with the comments . . . Say you'll do better next time . . . Withdraw." Hello? This to me sounds a lot like blaming the victim and only perpetuates the abusive behavior of the narcissist. I am sorry that I wasted money and time on this book (though not too much time as I disgustedly flung it across my bedroom floor after reading part of it). This book is totally unrealistic, don't waste your good money on it. The bibliography for this book is extremely thin, and three of the books she cites as references are her own! A little narcissistic?
A couple of years ago I bought another book by this same author, "Children of the Self-Absorbed," and found it to be just as useless. In it she opines that if one grows up in a narcissistic family it automatically means that one also becomes a narcissist, which is absolutely not the case! I really question whether she has done any serious research on these subjects.
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~ Written on 2008-06-15

"Other reviews mentioned the impossibility of having a relationship with a narcissistic person. Though their behavior can be abusive, learning to protect yourself from this abuse when it is unavoidable (a boss, an ex-partner whom you share children with, etc.) is important. Sometimes people, such as myself, choose to continue a marriage with a narcissistic individual. In this case, it is nice to know that you can protect yourself, you can live a life separate from the narcissist while also building on the positive of the relationship. I believe all individuals have good qualities and bad qualities, and really it comes down to what you, as an individual, can put up with.

This book is one of the best ones I've read about narcissistic personality disorder. I am a list person, and this book has lots of great lists to help you see your partner's AND YOUR narcissistic traits (yes, we all have them to some extent). It is a great guide."
~ Written on 2007-10-19

"Find it very helpful. If you want to stay with this partner, it provides a great perspective."
~ Written on 2007-10-05

"First off - I am grateful to this book for concisely identifying what it is I am dealing with. Regardless of the critics who say "why would you want to stay?" - this book has tremendous value in helping one to identify the various manifestations of narcissism.

This is an important premise of this book - that narcissism is not an all or nothing thing. She posits that - short of the full-blown NPD - there are more subtle shades of "destructive" narcissistic traits. And within these subtle traits are various sub-types. These insights have been very significant for me in that my wife is not a full-blown NPD and most of the reading I have found seems to only deal with the extreme - DSM-defined - personality disorder.

She provides checklists that are very useful in identifying subtle nuanced behaviours. Things I had felt vaguely uneasy about for a long time came into clear focus. She also provided checklists to help identify my 'collaborative' behaviours. This does not, however, have the effect of blaming the victim. Rather it provides some clarity on the previous 'crazy-making' behaviour and my part in that dynamic (for example, as a conciliator and one who tries to anticipate the needs of others - I play right into the hands of my wife's narcissistic tendency's).

The author outlines the various sub-types of destructive narcissists and by understanding my wife's specific 'hungry' narcissistic traits - I now have far better insight and possibly some improved coping skills in dealing. It was affirming to me that some of the 'counterintuitive' coping skills I had already developed (purely as defense-mechanisms) were in fact the kinds of things that were recommended.

Whatever one's ultimate choice is (ie to stay or go) this book will provide invaluable guidance for how to cope with the process and with your partner - now and in the future.

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~ Written on 2007-07-01