False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction

"Key strategy/ work to FINISH THINGS! Addicts do not finish things,ENDING THINGS (what things?) adds substantially to recovery. They prefer to "keep options open." Thrives in unfinished business. Starting more than you can finish leads to CRISIS. Addicts avoid completing their conversations; Important feelings and facts are not communicated. Conflict not resolved. PAIN ACCUMULATES. Increase PAIN AND COST TO STOP. Childhood needed something(the addict) didn't receive- trust, security, safety, non-sexual affection, both parents together. Normalcy. (Need trust mot to worry, to simply live life normally) RESPONSIBILITY TO THOSE YOU HAVE HURT. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE TRANSFERRED TO CHILDREN. Addictive sex feels shameful, illicit, stolen, exploitive, and joyless. Healthy sex = adds to self-esteem, is mutual, intimate, fun, and playful. Fighting (disagreeing)= act of trust- focus on issues. - Give outcome to God. Horniness = loneliness. When in doubt, don't have sex. Secrets will separate you from others in recovery. Get a pet to have healthy touching needs met. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim (having control over your body, thoughts, opinions, and feelings that you Think someone in authority wouldn't approve of you having. You have to answer only to yourself. Be gentle w/ yourself about old tortuous conflicts. They are not about you! They never were! You are safe with your thoughts. They are yours. Recovery = burst of creativity, brings awareness of abuse. NURTURING- Learning how to care for themselves and to allow others to care for them IS an essential RECOVERY TASK. Intimacy= shared enjoyable experiences! FIDELITY TO YOURSELF is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other. Trust yourself. It's as hard for your partner as it is for you! Admit mistakes. Share Spirituality. Have fun together= common experiences. Sustain from sex w/o intimacy. Talk before, during, and after sex. Compliment your partner. Respect boundaries. Pay attention to feelings. See Sex as a legitimate joy! Take care of your body. Express attraction. Work on friendship and companionship. Fast-forward the realtionship. "
~ Written on 2008-03-03

"I bought this book out of desperation and a desire to help my suffering loved ones. This book is painfully honest and not for the faint of heart. The author has a profound understanding of this affliction and strips it down to the ugly truth of how lost souls lose hope and how precious lives are destroyed. If you are searching for insight about sexual addiction, I highly recommend this book. It broke my heart and gave me deep compassion for the people in my life who struggle with false intimacy issues. For the sex addict searching for honesty and hope, this should be required reading.

The subject matter being what it is, I found it hard to read this book without feeling filthy and even more wounded. Wives of sex addicts will not find healing within these pages (only God can heal something so painful). However, they will find answers. Several chapters address strategies that might help affected loved ones. For the wives of sex addicts, I also recommend Lord Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur or Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn."
~ Written on 2007-07-14

" This book was suggested to me by a counselor I was seeing to help me deal with the fallout of my husbands confession of sexual addiction. We both read the book and it truly helped both of us to understand some of the underlying issues associated with this addiction. There is so much information in this book and I would highly reccomend it to anyone facing this kind of situation."
~ Written on 2007-01-10

"I recommend "False Intimacy" more than other books to those men who are battling the behavior of sexual addiction, but who also desperately want change at the source of the struggle and not just in the expression of the struggle (although that is critical). Dr. Schaumburg does the best job that I've seen of exploring the actual motivational power of sexual addiction, which in the end is not essentially sexual. He also has an excellent chapter for the spouse of the sex addict and another regarding marriage in this context. Few books on this subject adequately expose what is really going on below the behavioral and psychological patterns, but there will be no meaningful freedom at a heart level without facing what ultimately fuels the shame and acting-out cycle. Clearly this is a more complex and less popular approach (that's probably why so few books go there), but any other approach to this problem seems to me like "bringing a knife to a gun fight." I recommend this book and the journey it invites the reader to take in their soul - whether a sex addict or not."
~ Written on 2006-05-15

"The book, False Intimacy, arrived in excellent condition and it's content is truly amazing and informative. Dr. Shaumburg is definitely serving Jesus Christ with this book and is following Christ's calling in his life. From the original sin of Adam and Eve until now, man will always deal with sin hear on Earth, but Dr. Shaumburg offers wonderful Christian insight into the specific topic of different behavoirs we become involved in trying to fill a place in our heart that only Jesus' Holy Spirit can fill. The key is be submissive to Jesus' Holy Spirit.

Awesome book!!!"
~ Written on 2005-09-11